Hi! - I’m Khairun and I’m a recovering perfectionist!
Acknowledging right at the very start that I am in recovery is hugely important for me…and for our work together.
It allows me to introduce my most authentic self to you…the self not hidden behind the masks I have sometimes worn…the self that feels vulnerable yet courageous at the same time…the self that knows it’s ok to admit that I am on a journey. A journey from a place of self-doubt and fears to one of self-acceptance, courage and love.
I used to believe that being a perfectionist was a good thing!
It meant I was efficient and organised…I paid attention to detail…I went the extra mile...I lived and worked in a clutter-free environment…I always did what I said I would do…I persisted in the face of adversity to complete what I had started…I always showed up when anyone needed me…
All this was good, right?
I used to think it was. In fact, I was proud to identify myself as a perfectionist!
I wore the label as a badge of honour!
Now that I’m in recovery, it’s easy to look back and recognise how being a perfectionist actually wasn’t so good at all.
It meant that I was obsessed with getting things ‘just right’. I fixated on minor mistakes and dreaded doing or saying the wrong thing. I often re-visited conversations or events, berating myself for something I had said or the tone in which I said it. Any written work would be amended and revised countless times before I was happy with it, even if it meant staying up all night. I had chronic fears about failing or being rejected so often didn’t pursue opportunities.
My quest for perfection left me feeling drained and exhausted…physically and emotionally. I was usually sleep-deprived and running on empty. Because I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘No’, I was often feeling overwhelmed by the commitments I had taken on. And, so much of my time and energy went on ‘sweating the small stuff’ I often lost sight of the bigger picture, including my life purpose.
My recovery began once I started to understand how my perfectionist tendencies were tied up with my insecurities and the lack of self-worth.
Growing up, I had no innate sense of self-worth. I was raised in an environment where love was conditional on being ‘good’ and not reaching the threshold of ‘good’ resulted in humiliation and punishment. So, I learnt very early that to be loved and accepted, I had to be ‘good’. And I learnt that my value and worth depended not on who I was but on how I was.
Instead of valuing myself for just being me, I believed that my worth was based on something outside of me…it was based on what I did… how I performed…how I behaved.
And how was I to behave to earn this sense of worthiness?
Well the messages were loud and clear - be clever, be thin, be pretty, be tidy, be silent, be responsible, be selfless, be strong, be good…
Be Perfect! Be Perfect! Be Perfect!
And what if I wasn’t perfect?
Well, then, I wasn’t good enough.
I wasn’t good enough unless I was perfect.
I wasn’t good enough just as I was.
I wasn’t enough just as I was.
I wasn't enough!
This deeply ingrained belief of not being enough was at the root of the significant life choices and decisions I made that I later came to regret - choices that ultimately disempowered and weakened me, physically and emotionally.
My decisions and life choices came from a place of fear and unresourcefulness…they were based on my perceptions about my lack of worth. And they manifested in many different ways – being in relationships where I wasn’t honoured, allowing myself to be bullied at work, constantly seeking external validation, ignoring my body’s need for rest and respite, limiting my vision about what was possible.
And that’s not all…
Growing up with I’m not enough meant that I didn’t learn to connect to and trust my own inner wisdom. I didn’t develop the confidence to lead from within and live a life of authenticity, based on my values and my deepest desires. My inner wisdom didn’t get a look in because its gentle whisperings were drowned out by the much louder critical voices!
You’re not good enough…
You’re not enough…
You’re not enough.
But that was in the past and I am different now!
As I write this today, I am deeply connected to my inner wisdom…and I am guided by an internal compass that steers me gently towards my True North! I am totally attuned to my Life Purpose…doing work that makes my heart sing…content in the knowledge that I’m not perfect…but…I am Enough.
This has been possible because one day I started to say Enough!
Enough! Enough! Enough!
Enough! to the doubts, the fears and the critical self-talk.
Enough! to the limiting beliefs that stopped me even trying.
Enough! to constantly seeking approval and external validation.
Enough! to showing up scared in relationships and negating myself so I would be loved.
Enough! to saying Yes when I wanted to say No!
Enough! to staying silent when I wanted to speak.
These Enoughs! were the start of my journey of transformation.
I say start because transformation doesn’t happen over-night. It takes time. It takes commitment and persistence. It can be hard work. It is hard work!
But it’s worth it!
How my journey unfolded is a story for another day.
What’s important for now is that one day I took my first step on that journey.
And that first step eventually led me to be here today – showing up with all my flaws and foibles - admitting to being in recovery – publically declaring that I am not perfect. And celebrating that while not perfect, I am enough.
I am still on my journey…developing ever increasing insights into where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going.
I know now that the only thing that limited me in the past was my own limiting belief about who I was.
So now I focus on my resourcefulness and not on my perceived weaknesses. I’m anchored in the knowledge that I have unlimited potential and I don’t want to waste that potential – I want to live my best life.
I want to live up to my highest potential.
I want to live a life of purpose!
This doesn’t, of course, mean that I’ve got it all figured out! Some days I am overwhelmed by self-doubt. Some days I forget the strides I’ve made and focus instead on what I didn’t do. Some days I am harsh and critical of myself and others. Some days I eat too much and sleep too little! And yes, some days I want to be perfect!
But then I remind myself…it’s ok…I’m not perfect…and I am Enough.
And I celebrate the fact that my journey continues.
If you are struggling with I’m not enough, I’m inviting you to embark on a transformational journey with me.
A journey that will help you:
- recognise that you are enough, and you always were enough
- shift the self-limiting beliefs that are stopping you from thriving and shining
- overcome feelings of unworthiness and the self-sabotaging behaviours that follow
- re-connect to your inner wisdom and let it guide you to your true, authentic self
- create the life you want!
Are you ready to take your first step on your journey to enough?
Book a free 60 minute consultation with me to discuss how we can work together to create the life you want.